woah so I haven't posted in over 2 months! hahahaha

mm anyway, just finished exams haha. leaving for singapore and korea in a week yeow :D

in the meantime, things are changing. and it isn't pleasant. :/

i just need to remember that God is always the same. Yesterday, today, and forever more.
The God of the heroes of the bible, the God of Abraham, Isaac, David, Daniel, Esther, Job, Saul and then Paul, is the same God that i serve today.
The God that the heroes of the Faith believed in and relied on is the same God that i am believing in today. He has not changed. My God is the only constant that i can rely on in this time of change.

i am in pain. deep pain. i dont feel like im crying cos im really sad. i just feel like i am in pain. so much pain. not physical pain. heart pain.
maybe its God taking certain things out from my life. pruning me. i dont know. but it hurts like crazy.

God, teach me to rely on you with everything i've got. until everything that i say and do speaks of you. that everything that i have will be centred on you.
You have never changed, you have never failed. and i believe so strongly that you are doing a move in my life, in our lives. you are moulding us, shaping us, changing us. more than ever, i need you. I need to rely on you. and know that you are worth my trust.

#unfinished :)

i dont know why i am so terrified of losing control.

a fear of the unknown. really.

the need to have such a tight grip on things that i end up suffocating the very people that i am trying to help. ><
but i just cant ><

cant, dont know how to let go.

feels like how it was when i started with tutoring. but different somehow. im more at ease with tutoring now. more chill, go with the flow kind.
with cell, i guess it needs to be that way to. i need to let go, sit back, assess the atmosphere, and decide where to go from there.
im too uptight. scared of being surprised ><
dont want to be surprised.

but i cant continue with this. something needs to give. something in me.
i need to push.
i am scared to. but i need to.

i MUST.
for my own good, and for the people i love.
:]

so i finished a mid sem today. the last of my mid sems for this semester x)

a feeling of relief haha. but now i got to start work on my assignments =/

lalalala.

a bit sian diao-ed haha. =S

treated myself to an ice mocha on the way home hahaha. poor consolation though sigh.

i wonder why i sometimes cut people off when there's a chance to go deeper. ah wells =/

i guess its in part fear, caution, and general 'busy-ness'. rah.
i guess im 'on-the-go' too much sometimes, and i simply dont take time to slow down and enjoy certain interpersonal relations. sigh. and then afterward i blame myself for doing so. gah.

maybe i just think too much haha. =/ rawrs.

sometimes, i need to stop thinking haha.
or maybe not.
i dont know ><

fustration.
#ranting.

hahahaha. ok la. i shall focus and get started on my assignment(s) x)

bye for now! :)

#alwaysasecondchance :)

i should probably rename my blog reflections of a person turning 20 soon xD
#justsaying

but at any rate, im just only starting to realise how time is passing. you dont even really realise man.
but yea, i was just walking home, and i realised that when i go for my singapore trip, i'll be leaving perth as a 19 yr old, but coming back 20 hahaha. then i realised next yr i'll be 21, then the yr after 22, and... o.O

maybe it comes from hanging out with people who are older. people in their 20s mostly. or maybe its the fact that people all around me are starting to celebrate their 20th/21st, or even going on to 22 o.O maybe its cos these are all people who are close to me. like squadmates. or certain vibe people. but yes. im growing old! :O or maybe to rephrase, i just never realised how the years go by. when ur young it just doesnt matter. but now the realisation that your peak performance period is gonna pass by really soon hits, and i dont really know if im doing anything with it.
i wonder if i make sense here.
I guess what im trying to say is that when a person is in their teens, especially late teens, like from 18 maybe, is when they have the greatest realm of influence. you have the greatest ability to influence your peers, to make a difference, to change something around you. but as you grow older, you lose that. you lose the will, the confidence, the stubborn belief that you have the power to make a change, to be the change. when you're young, there is a certain naivety that allows you to carry the belief that you can conquer the world. you believe that the world can be a better place with you in it. you are malleable. you can be bent, but not broken. you can bounce back. but as you grow older, you lose that. you lose that flexibility. as a child, we embody innocence. innocence from not knowing what the world is like and believing in the good of everyone. as a teen, we add on to it. we add knowledge. we add maturity. there becomes substance to that innocence. mature innocence. believing in good, but knowing that things have to be done to bring that good. and that is something great that comes with being a teenager.

yes, teenagers are naive. yes, they can be impulsive. yes, they can be rebellious. but there is so much more that can come out of being a teen. and sometimes, we do not realise that until we are reaching the end of it.

Time as a teen is short.

And i am rapidly coming to the end of my teen years.

That is where i express my disbelief.

Disbelief that time has gone by so fast. Wonderment at what i have done for these last few years of being a teen. Realising that there is really not much time left at all.

What am I going to do about this? Will I continue to watch the world go by? Will I continue to let the years pass me by? Will I continue to let myself be caught up in the demands of this world?
NO!

I refuse to. I will not. This is my declaration and my promise.

I cannot.

I cannot because there is still much to be done. I cannot because the world never stops moving. I cannot because people never stop moving. Things will constantly be moving around me, will constantly be changing. Dynamics will change. Of the church, of society. And it is a scary prospect.
But i cannot let that faze me.

I need to hold on. Hold on to the innocence of youth. Hold on to the belief that something can be changed in the world. Hold on to the belief that the world can be a better place with me in it. If only just a little.

My time is short. I must not let it go to waste.
I cannot let years add weakness. Instead, I must let years add courage. Add faith. Add wisdom. Add things that will help build the foundations of youth, and not tear it down.

It will not be long before i will be unable to identify with youths and i will have to move on. But while I can, I will.

that will be my mantra. If I can, I will.

jiayou!
broken to release.

so i had my first mid sem of the year today. woke up late hahahaha. only got up one hour before my paper was supposed to start ><
drove to uni, managed to get there about 2 minutes before my paper started =x

hm.
went well i think hahahaha :)

~~~~~~
am feeling really thankful at the moment. thank God for good weather at masterchef yesterday. thank God for holding the rain. even though it drizzled a little, it stopped in like 2 minutes, even though it was threatening to get heavier. :) my God is amazing :) thank God that everything flowed well yesterday. organisation and efficiency levels were top grade man. cant believe im part of such an amazing team. above all, God was good. even at the mini-service later, God was there. he was moving, touching hearts, reminding people about how good He is. just so amazed. and just so aware that im unworthy of all this. never did anything to deserve this. but He gives all the same. and just leaves me awestruck.
what am i, but a speck of dust on this earth, that God should look down on me with favour?

conflicting feelings.
><

so incredibly grateful, yet so aware of how unworthy i am. :')
overwhelmed.

yesterday i was still thinking that i dont know anymore. i dont know what im doing, dont know why i am where i am. but God is good. and our God is greater. his love is just so amazing.

like today. traffic was a bit heavier than usual, so took me slightly longer to get to uni. was just turning into uni at 9.25, when my paper started at 9.30. found an empty lot really near to my exam venue, managed to park perfectly on my first try. got to the venue and found a seat about a minute before the exam started. my fault for being late, but God is faithful man :)

my God is real. and His love never fails. :)
#thelittlethings :)

need to sort myself out.
feels like my brain is in some kind of virtual mess >< too much going on, cannot focus.
feels like nothing is going as it should. in the sense that im not giving the required attention to things i should pay more attention to.
wheres the balance gone? ><

what am i doing with my life?
what is the purpose of everything that i am doing?
i dont get it anymore. i dont know what im doing anymore.
theres just too much, too many things, too much clamouring for my attention.
i feel thrown off. unsettled.
like ive lost focus somehow.

i know i think too much.
and it affects what i do. as if i cant just throw myself into what i do wholeheartedly.
like i have to consider all angles before i decide what to do.
and it affects me.
i consider too much; ponder too many angles.

i just cant.
how can one throw off everything; lose all inhibitions in doing something?
its hard.
and i dont know how im going to do it, but i have to.
i have no choice.

where am i? what am i doing?
where will i go after all this is done?

maybe im making things more complicated than they are.

i dont know. its just weird rawr.

i need to take a break. just let everything go and think.
but i cant.
i just cant let go off everything.
i need to have some semblance of control.
which is almost pointless because i seem to have no control whatsoever.
is it my pride?

but by doing so, im making myself less than what i truly am.

let go, and let God.
I am worth it. I deserve to be happy. I am more than i make myself out to be.
but how?

so tired. so so tired. =/

maybe, i should let go, and just be loved.
冏

is it funny that i find it weird when ppl compliment me? cos im just being myself haha.
=S

idk what to think when ppl say good things about me =x

hi :D

was going to do a long-ish post. then decided to just to a series of one-liners. my brain works that way xD
~~~~~~
so today i missed my bus in the morning... but i was early, so it was alright. was listening to music, and the songs that came on were ones that had lines like "God is able" xD
saw the train in the station just as my bus reached the station. and i was like "oh god why" then realised the next train was in 3 minutes haha. ended up about 5mins early for my lecture :)
#Godisgood

walking home from school, had just reached home for a couple of minutes, and suddenly there was a downpour. only lasted a couple of seconds, but had i been out there, i would probably have been kind of soaked. xD
its raining now btw xD
#Godisreallygood
~~~~~~
I dont love social interactions, but it makes me happy walking around in uni and seeing people that i know and being able to catch up a little or even just say hi. xD
~~~~~~
Decided to say a little prayer for you every time you cross my mind. :)
~~~~~~
so tired and drained... idk ><
~~~~~~
got so much on my mind sometimes. no wonder i sometimes make things too complicated for my tutees =/
~~~~~~
i think i have a problem with big group settings sometimes... =/ or maybe thats just the introvert in me haha.
~~~~~~
needs to knuckle down and start revising soon... or else mid sem i will 死的很難看 =/
~~~~~~
so much to do, so little time =/ meh =/
~~~~~~
maybe i need to start taking things a little more seriously. or maybe i just take things a little too seriously and hence tire myself out.
haiyah. i dont know alr la.
~~~~~~
i know i go really deep. i just dont know how deep i can go. and i think im too scared to find out =x
~~~~~~
sometimes i just really dont know what im doing anymore
~~~~~~
ok need to stop, got one more lecture to catch up on. and stuff to revise. and to plan. =/

hahahaha ok see ya guys!
God is good all the time! :D

i dont know why, but i seem to have a fear of opening up to people. Im afraid of revealing more of who i am to people.
when i look into my heart, i see alot of scar tissue. and the thing is im not completely clear of where they came from. perhaps it was from moving here from sg. but im pretty sure theres something deeper than that. but yes, i see alot of pain and the scars from the said pain.

like today, i had a meeting discussing plans for a new initiative in youth. and its as if a part of me cries every time i reveal something i hold close to me. i dont know. but its not the first time...
sometimes i go for meetings and such, and i feel myself leaving a part of me behind when i leave. which i dont quite understand.

as i go from place to place, as i meet new people, as i jump from group to group, i can sense myself leaving bits of myself behind. not always though. there are groups of people that i hang out with that i guess i dont open myself up to as much. but with the people that i love hanging out with, i do feel that.

in a way, i think that i've built up a certain kind of wariness of people. i guess i dont really want to experience the pain of having to uproot and leave people behind any more. the pain when u form such tight bonds with people, and then have to tear yourself away. but there will always be the people that i feel i share a bond with, and then the problem is, how tight of a bond do i want to form with them? its a kind of dilemma. i want to share, to let people see more of who i am, yet at the same time im afraid of losing these people that ive revealed myself to. people are here one day and gone the next. how am i to know who i should be open with? how am i supposed to choose my friends that way?
i want to be open. i want to be able to be unafraid to show who i am. but how am i supposed to when there is still so much pain inside of me?

i wonder if i ever really moved on. =/

i find that the way i think is interesting. there are thoughts that just go round and round in my head, while there are others that surface as one liners. They are the ones that kinda represent my observations i guess. That summarise what i think, while not exactly revealing alot haha.

anyways. im starting to learn abit more about my leadership style haha. i find that im quite a full-on leader. maybe thats because i was mostly led by 'spoon-feeding' style leadership for much of my developmental years. i would say most of my experience being a follower would be in sj. where its really just listen to your leaders and do what they tell you to do. but here, its very much different. i find that i need to step back abit and give people space to think, to consider. i always plan what i want to do or say, but i also need to leave space for improvisation. i need to relax haha. i guess i can be quite tense in a way =/ but i guess in a way its cos i want the people i lead to not miss out, to be able to be fully equipped. but i guess sometimes you have to give people the space to breathe, to make mistakes and learn.
slowly learning to develop my own leadership style haha. =)

anyway... really just learning to deal with myself la. i find that suddenly alot of my insecurities are being exposed. things that i never saw before, are coming to light. i am confident i guess, but in a way much less than before. i dont know. its a paradox ><

haha ok la till next time =)